i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
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