hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
