Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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