So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
