Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
