i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Sorry my hands just texted you
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
