You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
