You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
