And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I am available for nakedness
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
