When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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