break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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