I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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