we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
