Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
