At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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