how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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