I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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