dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
