VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
