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I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
