How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
