You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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