I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just found a bag of teeth...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
