He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
