it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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