This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
