I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
is wine microwaveable?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
