I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
