He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
