her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He uses pillows to masturbate.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
