You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
