i don't like sucking hair
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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