if i can run in heels then i can drive
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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