Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
