I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
