I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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