New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
