Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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