and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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