omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
