From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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