I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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