I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
