I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
