I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
