Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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