Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
