Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
