theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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