i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
