I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
