If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
