UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
