can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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